What is it that I’m afraid of? Oh, I’m afraid of many, many things. I think, more than anything though, I am afraid of being alone. I have this deep wound in my heart. It goes all the way to the core of who I am. I’m not sure exactly how this wound got there. I think it slowly grew deeper and deeper as the years wore on. One hurt piling on top of the next. I didn’t know what to do with this hurt and so I pushed it deeper and deeper. The result is that I have this all-encompassing wound that I am not sure what to do with. My beliefs about myself come from this wound. As well as my beliefs about other people and the world. Beliefs that nothing is safe. That I am unlovable. That I am going to end up alone. These things aren’t true. And yet the pain from my past is so loud, making them seem true. I felt alone as a child. It felt like nothing was safe. I felt like no one loved me. And I have carried these thoughts and feelings with me into adulthood, even though I am safe now and loved now. It seems that no matter how much evidence there is that people care about me now, I cannot believe it or accept it. And so I am still feeling unloved.
What am I afraid of? I am afraid that I will never be loved. Or rather, that I will never FEEL loved. How do I put my walls down? How do I let their love in? I haven’t figured this out yet. What if I walk around for the rest of my life feeling unloved because I do not know how to accept the love of those around me? These are the questions that haunt me.
There is a way. There is always a way. I will figure it out. I will learn how to love myself. I will learn how to put my walls down. To let them in. I am brave. I am strong. I will keep going. There is always a way.