Sometimes the moment I turn the light off to go to bed is the hardest part of my day. Because it is then that I feel truly alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with my memories. Alone with my feelings. In the dark. And I know that I will be alone in the dark for the next 6-8 hours. When I turn the light off to go to bed I know that everyone around me will be going to bed soon too, if they haven’t already. I know that there will be no one to text or call if I need something. I know that finding things to distract myself from my overwhelming thoughts and feelings is a lot harder to do in the middle of the night than it is when the sun is out. And as I lie there in the dark I start to become afraid of what will happen when I turn the light back on in the morning. What will the day hold? What unexpected things could happen? Will I be ok? Will I make it through the day to turn the light off again tomorrow night?
I lie there, snuggled under my covers, arms wrapped tightly around my pillow, grateful that I have made it through the day and also fearful that I won’t make it through the next. Life and death are very real to me. They become very real when you have spent years battling suicidal thoughts. Although I have spent more nights than I can count hoping that I would not wake up in the morning, I now fear that I will not wake up in the morning. I fear that I will close my eyes to go to sleep and that I will forever be lost in the darkness and loneliness. So sometimes, turning the light off to go to bed is the hardest part of my day. Will I make it to see the light again in the morning? Will I survive the hours of darkness that I know lie ahead of me?
I have spent years feeling smothered by darkness. Feeling a heavy cloud following me wherever I went. I have since been learning how to free myself from this grip of darkness. The heaviness has started to shift. But every time I turn the light off I am afraid that I will get caught in its grip again.