Why is it that I had the vulnerable poems I wrote published? I am afraid that people have expectations for me now. Afraid that I am supposed to be the ‘role model’. The girl who struggled with a lot of demons, walked through a lot of darkness, and is now on the other side. That is not who I am. I do not want the pressure to be the girl who has it all together now. I do not have it all together. I still slip. I fall. I spiral into the darkness at times. So why this blog? Why put myself out there like I am? I want to help people. I want others to know they are not alone. That they are not the only ones struggling with anxiety, depression, addiction, darkness. I want to create a space where we can talk about these things. Where we can connect with each other. There is a lot of stigma about mental illness. A lot of ignorance. A lot of people struggling in silence. I know from experience.
I do not want to be the role model. The one who has it all together. I have put that pressure on myself for too long. I have pretended for too long. If I receive an email or a message from someone struggling with suicidal thoughts I would love to be able to encourage them by saying that I am on the other side, that I do not struggle with that any more, that it’s possible for them to get there too. If I get a message from someone telling me that they are trapped in the cycle of self-harm I would love to encourage them by saying that I have gotten out of that cycle and that they can too. But that is not the truth. The truth is that I still get suicidal thoughts at times. The truth is that at times my brain desperately craves the release that comes from self-harming and that at times I give in. I cannot encourage people by saying that I have overcome all of my demons. But I can encourage them by saying that they are not alone. That I understand. That others understand. I can encourage them by saying that I am fighting with everything I have to overcome these demons. That I am fighting for my health, my freedom, healing. That I am fighting for connection, authenticity, vulnerability. That I am taking the risk to open up about these things. I will encourage them by saying this risk is worth it. That I know from experience. That it’s worth it to keep fighting. I know that from experience too. I can share what I have learned along the way. That community has saved my life. That being known in my pain and being loved has saved my life. That it is possible to be known and loved. That we are worth it.
I want to create a safe place through this blog. A community. Maybe it’s unrealistic. Maybe it’s something that could never happen. But I am going to take the risk to find out. I am going to open up about my pain, my struggles, my demons. And I am going to invite those who are willing to take the risk along with me.