Yesterday was a hard day. A day of doubting. A day of fear. A day of hopelessness. It scares me when these days come. They seem out of the blue and I haven’t figured out a pattern to them yet. A way to predict when they will come. I can spend a couple days being glad I am alive and then I will wake up one morning and feel like none of it is worth it. I will wake up and question if I should keep going. I will feel the pull of darkness. I felt the pull of darkness yesterday. And the day before that too. When these days come the smallest tasks make me question if I want to be alive. I can feel myself losing my ability to think rationally and my thoughts become clouded. Hazy. Like I have lost connection with a part of myself and something else has taken over. Something that wants me to give up. Something that does not want me to be alive. I become angry at myself when this happens because it feels like it is my fault. I become scared. And one day can lead into 2, and then 3, and on and on if I do not pull myself out of it.
I am afraid to talk about these types of days. Afraid that I will be invalidated and not taken seriously. I need to be taken seriously. I need to be loved. Being loved is one of the things that counter-acts the darkness. It makes me feel like I am worth it. Like I matter. Like it is worth it to keep going. It makes me feel like I am not alone. That is one of the most important things for me – feeling supported, not alone, cared for. Those are the things that give me the resolve to keep fighting. Those are the things that give me hope.
The last two days were hard for me. The darkness was pulling on me. Calling me. Wanting me to succumb to it. It’s morning now. 7:30am. What will today be like? Will I feel more hopeful? Less dark? Less burdened? Or will the darkness be calling to me again? Whispering in my ear? Filling my mind with thoughts that I do not want? It feels like an outside force that takes over. Drowning out the light. Will it drown out my light today?
No, I will not let it. I deserve to live. I deserve to be alive. I am a person. A human. I am worth it. No person deserves to die. No human is that bad that they deserve to be removed from this planet. No. The darkness lies to me. It tells me things that aren’t true. Paints my future as dark and gloomy, but it is wrong. My future is not dark and gloomy. I have potential. There is hope. There is love. So no, I will not give up. I will keep fighting. Even if today is filled with darkness, I will keep fighting. Because I am worth it. And the darkness will pass. I will wake up again and be glad I am alive. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe later today. Maybe next week. I will wake up again and be glad I am alive.