My self-doubt is making me want to sabotage everything. My fear of failure is making me want to stop now. Fear. Doubt. They scream at me. Insecurity. It flows through me. The fear has taken control. I’ve seemed to have lost connection with my rational voice. I need to reground myself. I need to reconnect to my true self. I want recovery. I want to move forward. I want to heal. I want to be vulnerable. I want to connect with others. “What do you need, Rebecca?” they ask. I need to reach out for support. Talk about my fears. Be honest about what I am thinking and feeling. I need to write. Write about what I am experiencing. See my thoughts out of my head and written on paper. I need to face my fears. Challenge them. I need to challenge the lies that say I am not worth it. The lies that say I am unlovable. That everyone will leave. I need to challenge the lies that say when I am successful and healthy no one will have a reason to stay. That people only care about me if I am ‘sick’. Those are lies. The truth is that I am loved. That I have a community who cares about me. The truth is that my health and success are not going to scare them away. That when I am whole and free to be myself people will be drawn to me. The truth is that the healthier I get, the more connected I will be to the people around me. Not the other way around. I am worth it. I am lovable.
I am having a hard time holding on to the truth tonight. The voice of the lies is so strong and it is so hard to ignore and it is so hard to challenge. But I am acknowledging it. I am reaching out for support. I am talking about it. I am not alone. And in time it will pass. I will be able to connect to the truth again. In time I will become grounded. Until then I will keep talking about it. I will keep reaching out for support. Listening to the truth that comes from the mouths of others. And in time this will pass.