I often think that I should always be in a good mood and that I shouldn’t struggle or feel hard emotions. I often think that I should always be positive and happy, that I shouldn’t fear the future or have irrational thoughts, and that I should be confident and sure of who I am. It feels like if I am not then I am failing at life because I haven’t figured everything out. It feels like I am failing at life because I haven’t learned how to ‘control’ my emotions and because I am not perfect. For some reason I believe that it is possible for me to be perfect. That it might not be for others but that it is for me. It feels like if I am not perfect I am failing. It feels like if I am not perfect no one will love me. It feels like I must achieve perfection in order to have intimate relationships. Why would someone love me if I am not perfect? Why would they choose to stay in my life if they see me fall down and make mistakes? Why would they respect me and want to be in my life?
I am constantly living under this pressure. Carrying this burden to be perfect. To not make mistakes. It feels like the love of others is riding on it. I grew up with this pressure. It was hard, difficult, and I am still dealing with the after effects of it. I am still trying to work through it. Will people love me if they see my flaws? Will people still want to be in life? Will people still respect me and want to be close to me? I know that the answer is yes. But I have such a deep fear that the answer is actually no.