Sometimes I wake up and I feel sad and often times I cannot figure out why. When this happens I wonder if it is because of a dream I had that I do not remember. I wonder if it is because I am lonely or if it because there are things going on that day that I am feeling anxious and unsure about. I wonder if I should sit down and try to figure out the source of my sadness and unease or if I should push through and hope that they pass. I wonder if I am being irrational and there is no source at all. I then often times get angry at myself for feeling sad and uneasy – thinking that I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Thinking that I should wake up in a good mood. Happy and positive about the upcoming day. After all, I had just spent 6+ hours sleeping. What could happen during the hours I was unconscious to the world that would cause me to feel so unsettled?
Today is one of those days. This morning was one of those mornings. I am sad. I am uneasy. And I cannot figure out why. I am lonely. I am afraid. I am feeling unsure about today. Today is one of those days where I am questioning if people love me. It is one of those days where I am questioning if my friends will stay in my life. Where I am feeling unsure about who I am. Questioning if I could really be loved. Questioning if these deep friendships I have are actually real. If people really want to be my friend. Today is one of those days. Questions. Doubts. Fears. I never thought that I could have the types of relationships I have now. I never thought I could be this close to people. I never thought people would want to know me. That they would see my flaws, see my mistakes, and still love me. This is something that is hard for me to accept. It is something that I question all the time.
When I was younger I believed I was unlovable. I accepted it and put up my walls to the world and wasn’t surprised when I wasn’t treated well. In fact, I expected it. I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t have close friendships. When I didn’t feel connected to anyone. It made sense to me. I explained it by believing that I was unlovable. But now, all of that is being challenged. Now, I might be lovable. I might have been lovable the whole time. It’s an idea that is very hard for me to accept. I was so sure that I wasn’t lovable, how could it be true now? How could it be real?
Today is one of those days where I woke up feeling sad and unsure. Feeling alone. Questioning my friends’ love for me. Today is one of those days where I woke up feeling unlovable. Like their love isn’t real. And it made me sad. Sad for the child who grew up feeling this way. Sad that love is such a hard thing for me to accept. Sad that I often cannot accept it even though I desperately want to. Wondering if I will ever be able to accept it. Frustrated with myself that I cannot yet. Afraid that it will always be like this.
Today is one of those days. But I will not let it stop me. I will not let it cause me to isolate and withdraw from my friends. I will not sit in self-pity. Maybe I will talk about it. Maybe I will tell someone how I feel. Speak my fears and doubts out loud so they are no longer swirling around inside me. Today is one of those days. But it’s ok. I’m allowed to be sad. I am allowed to question and doubt. I am allowed to be afraid. I will not let it stop me. I believe that one day I will be able to feel the love my friends have more me. One day I will be able to accept it. Until then I will keep talking about it. Keep being open about it. Keep working through my fears. Because I know that if I keep going, I will slowly start to believe I am lovable. I will slowly start accepting it. I will be able to believe that I am worth it. One day I will know that the love around me is real.