I am so hard on myself. Always pushing myself to work harder and try harder. Thinking I should be farther along than I am. Thinking I should have everything figured out by now and angry at myself that I don’t. Thinking my recovery should be perfect. Thinking I should never mess up and feeling like a failure when I do. I often believe that the effort I put into recovery is directly correlated with my progress. I forget that there are outside factors. I forget that there are deep wounds and thought patterns that have been ingrained in me for most of my life. I forget that there is a child inside me who is terrified and clinging to the things that once helped her survive. I forget that sometimes, no matter how hard I try, it could take a while to work through these things. I forget that effort is not directly correlated with healing. Healing takes time. Healing is a process. Healing can be slow. You cannot force yourself to heal. I cannot speed up the process by trying harder. Sometimes this frustrates me so much. I seem to think I can control the speed at which I heal and when it is happening slower than I would like I blame myself. Get angry at myself.
I wonder if it is ok that I am where I am. I wonder if it is ok that I am not further along than I would like. I wonder if it is ok that I do not have everything figured out. I wonder if I can start to give myself grace and compassion rather than push myself so hard. I am in recovery. I have gotten through so much. Come so far. Overcome things I never thought I would be able to overcome. Do I have more to go? Yes. Do I have more to work through? Yes. Do I still trip and fall and land flat on my face? Yes. But maybe it’s ok. Maybe it’s ok to trip and fall and be confused and unsure. Maybe it’s ok to even question if I really want recovery sometimes. Maybe it’s ok to be afraid.
This is where I am right now. Wishing I was further along and afraid of being further along at the same time. Wishing I had everything figured out. Wondering if it’s maybe ok that I don’t. Feeling like I need to push myself harder. Also wanting to sit down and rest for a while. This is where I am right now. And I think that, maybe, it’s ok.