I am in the process of figuring out who I am.  I am in the process of reconnecting to myself.  When I was younger I was in survival mode.  I shut down, disconnected from myself, and just focused on getting through.  I have made it through.  I am adult now.  I have support now.  I am not alone.  And I feel like for the first time I have the space to discover who I am.  I have the space to discover what I like to do and I what I don’t like to do.  Who I want to be around and who I don’t want to be around.  For the first time, I have the space to be myself.  And the space to figure out what it looks like to be myself.

You see, I grew up in the spotlight.  I am the daughter of a pastor and I grew up with all eyes on me.  I was expected to act a certain way.  To think in a certain way and to have certain opinions and answers.  I was expected to be someone I wasn’t.  But I played the part.  I played the part to survive.  I perfected it actually.  Fooled everyone.  When I tell people now that I grew up feeling alone, isolated, and like no one knew me I am sometimes asked why I didn’t just let people know me.  I am sometimes asked since I felt so alone why I didn’t just let people in.  Why I didn’t tell anyone what I was really feeling.  It’s because I was trying to survive.  It’s because it wasn’t ok for the daughter of the pastor to be loud and inquisitive and confused and unsure.  They say it would have been ok.  They say I could have been myself.  But who I am does not fit the mold of who they wanted me to be.  Who they expected me to be.  And I knew that.  So I hid my true self.

Now that I am out of that atmosphere and environment I have the space to discover who I am.  I have the space to fall and mess up and for it to be ok.  I have the space to be confused and unsure and angry and inquisitive and to still be accepted.  This space is healing.  This acceptance is healing.  Who am I?  I am not entirely sure yet.  I am still figuring it out.  But I am learning that it is ok not to be perfect.  It is ok to mess up.  It is ok to trip and fall.  It is ok not to be who everyone wants me to be.  Is it scary?  Yes.  It is scary to put down my façade and the protective walls in my heart that helped me survive.  It is scary to let people into the broken, vulnerable parts of me.  It is scary, but it is healing.  It is saving me.  I am learning that there are people who want to know that part of me.  There are people who accept that part of me.  There are people who love that part of me.  Who am I?  I am still figuring that out.  But I have a place now where it is safe to figure that out.  Where there are people who are loving me through it.  I have a place now where I am accepted in my brokenness and imperfection.