Living a Story

"All the darkness in the world cannot drown out the light of a single match."

When Those Emotionally Loaded Dreams Feel Real

I woke up feeling sad again this morning.  But for different reasons this time.  This time it was because of my dreams.  You know, those dreams that feel like they are real.  Those dreams that feel like they actually happened.  Last night I had a lot of these types dreams.  A lot of hard, emotionally loaded dreams.  Dreams where my worst fears came true.  These dreams are not real, I know.  But I woke up with all the emotions as if they had been real.  I woke up with all the emotions I would have had as if they actually happened.  It’s hard to shake dreams like those.  It’s hard to convince yourself they weren’t real.  I’m having a hard time convincing myself of that this morning.

Something I fear more than anything else is being abandoned.  Last night I went to bed feeling hopeful and positive and this morning I woke up feeling scared and alone.  Last night I went to bed feeling like my friends cared about me and this morning I woke up afraid they are going to abandon me.  Can dreams do that to you?  Can dreams shift your mood overnight?  Dreams that are not reality but dreams that convince your mind they are.  Last night I felt connected to my friends.  I felt like everything might be ok.  But a couple dreams of being abandoned is enough to shift all of that.  They were intense dreams, yes.  They were emotionally loaded dreams, yes.  It would make sense why they would have affected me that way that they have.  It makes sense why my brain would believe that they were real.

But the truth is, no one is abandoning me.  The truth is that my friends love me.  The truth is that I am not alone.  I must keep repeating this until I can believe it.  I must keep believing this until I can rest assured.  This is the truth, I know, even if my brain doesn’t believe it right now.  Even if I doubt it right now.  Even if I doubt it A LOT right now.  I will continue to go about my day today.  I will eat my meals.  I will reach out for support.  I will go outside.  Because the truth is, no one is abandoning me, even if my dreams say otherwise.  I will continue to go about my day.  I will reach out for support.  And in time, my mood will shift again.

Those Lonely Mornings

Sometimes I wake up and I feel sad and often times I cannot figure out why.  When this happens I wonder if it is because of a dream I had that I do not remember.  I wonder if it is because I am lonely or if it because there are things going on that day that I am feeling anxious and unsure about.  I wonder if I should sit down and try to figure out the source of my sadness and unease or if I should push through and hope that they pass.  I wonder if I am being irrational and there is no source at all.  I then often times get angry at myself for feeling sad and uneasy – thinking that I shouldn’t be feeling this way.  Thinking that I should wake up in a good mood.  Happy and positive about the upcoming day.  After all, I had just spent 6+ hours sleeping.  What could happen during the hours I was unconscious to the world that would cause me to feel so unsettled?

Today is one of those days.  This morning was one of those mornings.  I am sad.  I am uneasy.  And I cannot figure out why.  I am lonely.  I am afraid.  I am feeling unsure about today.  Today is one of those days where I am questioning if people love me.  It is one of those days where I am questioning if my friends will stay in my life.  Where I am feeling unsure about who I am.  Questioning if I could really be loved.  Questioning if these deep friendships I have are actually real.  If people really want to be my friend.  Today is one of those days.  Questions.  Doubts.  Fears.  I never thought that I could have the types of relationships I have now.  I never thought I could be this close to people.  I never thought people would want to know me.  That they would see my flaws, see my mistakes, and still love me.  This is something that is hard for me to accept.  It is something that I question all the time.

When I was younger I believed I was unlovable.  I accepted it and put up my walls to the world and wasn’t surprised when I wasn’t treated well.  In fact, I expected it.  I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t have close friendships.  When I didn’t feel connected to anyone.  It made sense to me.  I explained it by believing that I was unlovable.  But now, all of that is being challenged.  Now, I might be lovable.  I might have been lovable the whole time.  It’s an idea that is very hard for me to accept.  I was so sure that I wasn’t lovable, how could it be true now?  How could it be real?

Today is one of those days where I woke up feeling sad and unsure.  Feeling alone.  Questioning my friends’ love for me.  Today is one of those days where I woke up feeling unlovable.  Like their love isn’t real.  And it made me sad.  Sad for the child who grew up feeling this way.  Sad that love is such a hard thing for me to accept.  Sad that I often cannot accept it even though I desperately want to.  Wondering if I will ever be able to accept it.  Frustrated with myself that I cannot yet.  Afraid that it will always be like this.

Today is one of those days.  But I will not let it stop me.  I will not let it cause me to isolate and withdraw from my friends.  I will not sit in self-pity.  Maybe I will talk about it.  Maybe I will tell someone how I feel.  Speak my fears and doubts out loud so they are no longer swirling around inside me.  Today is one of those days.  But it’s ok.  I’m allowed to be sad.  I am allowed to question and doubt.  I am allowed to be afraid.  I will not let it stop me.  I believe that one day I will be able to feel the love my friends have more me.  One day I will be able to accept it.  Until then I will keep talking about it.  Keep being open about it.  Keep working through my fears.  Because I know that if I keep going, I will slowly start to believe I am lovable.  I will slowly start accepting it.  I will be able to believe that I am worth it.  One day I will know that the love around me is real.

The Burden of Perfectionism

I often think that I should always be in a good mood and that I shouldn’t struggle or feel hard emotions.  I often think that I should always be positive and happy, that I shouldn’t fear the future or have irrational thoughts, and that I should be confident and sure of who I am.  It feels like if I am not then I am failing at life because I haven’t figured everything out.  It feels like I am failing at life because I haven’t learned how to ‘control’ my emotions and because I am not perfect.  For some reason I believe that it is possible for me to be perfect.  That it might not be for others but that it is for me.  It feels like if I am not perfect I am failing.  It feels like if I am not perfect no one will love me.  It feels like I must achieve perfection in order to have intimate relationships.  Why would someone love me if I am not perfect?  Why would they choose to stay in my life if they see me fall down and make mistakes?  Why would they respect me and want to be in my life?

I am constantly living under this pressure.  Carrying this burden to be perfect.  To not make mistakes.  It feels like the love of others is riding on it.  I grew up with this pressure.  It was hard, difficult, and I am still dealing with the after effects of it.  I am still trying to work through it.  Will people love me if they see my flaws?  Will people still want to be in life?  Will people still respect me and want to be close to me?  I know that the answer is yes.  But I have such a deep fear that the answer is actually no.

 

Mental Illness is Hard

I get so angry at myself sometimes.  I get angry that I have a mental illness.  I get angry that I have a disease in my mind.  I get angry that it is invisible and people can’t see it.  That most people don’t understand it.  I get angry that I have had to suffer like I have.  That I have had therapists that have made the problem worse.  That I have been on medication that has made the problem worse.  I am angry that I have had people try to ‘cast demons out of me’, telling me it was only a spiritual problem.  I am angry that I have been mistreated and misunderstood.

Mental illness is so hard.  “Meditate,” they say.  “Get out of the house.”  “Listen to music.”  “Journal.”  “Find alternative coping skills.”  “You will feel better.”  These things might help, yes.  They do help actually.  But they are not a remedy.  They do not shut off my racing mind.  My fear.  My self-destructive thoughts.  They do not cure my mental illness.  I still have to fight.  Very hard.  I have to fight to stay connected to myself.  To listen to my healthy voice.  To not give in to the disordered part of mind that wants me to hurt myself.  I do not want to hurt myself.  I know this.  But thoughts flow from my dysfunctional mind telling me that I do.  Telling me that I will feel better if I don’t eat or if I binge and purge or if I self-harm.  Thoughts that tell me it would be better if I wasn’t alive.  That the future is hopeless.  That everyone is going to leave.  That I should give up now.  These are not my thoughts.  These thoughts are from my mental illness.  The diseased part of my mind.  I do not want these thoughts.  I know I do not want to hurt myself.  I know that it is good to eat and that I do not deserve to be harmed.  But I cannot stop these thoughts from flowing through my mind.  I cannot control them.  “Ignore them,” they say.  “Don’t listen to them.”  “They will pass.”  “They will fade.”  “They will lose their power.”  This is true, yes.  When I am able to ignore these distorted thoughts they do pass and they do fade.  But then I have moments where I do not ignore them.  Where they grab my attention.  Where I wonder if what my disordered mind is telling me might be true.  Where I believe that what it is telling me is true.  I have moments where I get lost in these thoughts.  Lost in these lies.  Where I feel like I cannot get out.  I can hear the faint whisper of my healthy voice showing me the way out but I often am unable to follow it.

Mental illness is so hard.  The battle that goes on in my brain.  Life and death.  Darkness and light.  Freedom and captivity.  This is the battle I am in.  This is the battle many of us are in.  The invisible battle.  Do I want to give up?  Yes, often.  Am I going to give up?  No.  No, I will not give up.  I will keep fighting.  Keep trying to hold onto the truth, even when I am knocked out by the darkness.  I will keep getting back up.  Putting one foot in front of the other.  Because I am worth it.  My life is worth it.  I am learning.  I am growing.  And I will not give up.

Holding on to the Truth

My self-doubt is making me want to sabotage everything.  My fear of failure is making me want to stop now.  Fear.  Doubt.  They scream at me.  Insecurity.  It flows through me.  The fear has taken control.  I’ve seemed to have lost connection with my rational voice.  I need to reground myself.  I need to reconnect to my true self.  I want recovery.  I want to move forward.  I want to heal.  I want to be vulnerable.  I want to connect with others.  “What do you need, Rebecca?” they ask.  I need to reach out for support.  Talk about my fears.  Be honest about what I am thinking and feeling.  I need to write.  Write about what I am experiencing.  See my thoughts out of my head and written on paper.  I need to face my fears.  Challenge them.  I need to challenge the lies that say I am not worth it.  The lies that say I am unlovable.  That everyone will leave.  I need to challenge the lies that say when I am successful and healthy no one will have a reason to stay.  That people only care about me if I am ‘sick’.  Those are lies.  The truth is that I am loved.  That I have a community who cares about me.  The truth is that my health and success are not going to scare them away.  That when I am whole and free to be myself people will be drawn to me.  The truth is that the healthier I get, the more connected I will be to the people around me.  Not the other way around.  I am worth it.  I am lovable.

I am having a hard time holding on to the truth tonight.  The voice of the lies is so strong and it is so hard to ignore and it is so hard to challenge.  But I am acknowledging it.  I am reaching out for support.  I am talking about it.  I am not alone.  And in time it will pass.  I will be able to connect to the truth again.  In time I will become grounded.  Until then I will keep talking about it.  I will keep reaching out for support.  Listening to the truth that comes from the mouths of others.  And in time this will pass.