Living a Story

"All the darkness in the world cannot drown out the light of a single match."

Where Do I Belong?

Christmas is tomorrow.  Christmas.  I should be excited.  Christmas is something to look forward to.  But I am not looking forward to it.  I am actually kind of dreading it.  You see, I feel very different than my family.  I am very different.  And it makes it hard for me to be around them.  Because when I am around them I feel like I am very out of place.  I feel like I don’t belong.  I feel misunderstood.

You see, I am an extremely sensitive person.  I pick up on everything that is going on around me.  I feel things very deeply and am very affected by the energy of the people around me.  I get excited and I get upset and I have high highs and low lows.  And I am different than my family.  Does my family care about me?  Yes, they do.  I know that they do.  I know that I will never be left stranded on the streets with nowhere to go.  I know that I will never be in a hospital alone.  I know that if I am in a bind they will be there for me.  I know that they care about me.  But I still feel different from them.  I am still different.

This is something that is really hard for me to accept.  I do not want to be different.  I want to feel like I belong.  Like I fit in with the people whose same blood runs in my veins.  Because who am I if I don’t?  Is it ok that I am different?  Is it ok that I feel deeply and am extremely sensitive?  I used to think that it wasn’t.  I used to think that I needed to shut that part of myself down.  I tried to.  For years I tried to.  But my attempt to shut down some of the most important parts of me brought me very close to the edge of death.  Literally.

It is ok that I am different.  As much as it hurts me and makes me sad and upset, it is ok that I am different than my family.  It does not mean that there is anything wrong with me.  It does not mean that I shouldn’t exist.  It does not mean that I will never belong anywhere.  My family cares about me.  I will not shut down the most important parts of who I am so I feel like I fit in with them.  They may not ever understand me.  I may always feel out of place when I am around them.  But there are other people who understand me.  There are other people I feel like I belong with.  It may not be with the people whose same blood runs in my veins, but there is a place where I belong.

I am Grieving

Feeling sad this morning.  I am in the process of grieving.  In the process of reconnecting to my childhood.  Beginning to see the needs I had that were not met.  I needed to be loved.  Seen.  Understood.  Accepted.  I needed to feel like I belonged.  I did not feel like I belonged.  Up until about a year ago, I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere.  I felt different.  Out of place.  Misunderstood.  I felt tainted.  Like there was something wrong with me that kept people from being able to love me.  I had a lot of people around me while I was growing up.  I had my family, my father’s church, my school, but I felt like I didn’t belong in any of those places.  I wondered what was wrong with me that made me so different.  It made me hate myself.  It made me wish I wasn’t alive.  It made me feel empty.  I was filled with the deepest sense of loneliness.  Feeling like I was completely alone and misunderstood on this planet and like I would be completely alone and misunderstood wherever I went after death also.  It filled me with fear because I thought that even in death there would not be an escape from this isolation and loneliness.

I think these feelings of being different, misunderstood, and like I didn’t belong are the roots of some of my suicidal thoughts.  I think feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere on this planet made me not want to be on this planet.  It made me feel like a mistake.  Like god or whoever created me messed up and I shouldn’t be here.  It made me want to correct his mistake and remove myself from this place.

I am adult now.  I have friends now.  I have a place where I belong.  But I cannot shake the thoughts and feelings I had as a child.  I cannot shake my beliefs about myself and the world that were created during my most formative years.  Do I belong here?  Am I loveable?  Am I worth it?  I’m feeling sad this morning.  Because I am remembering how I felt as a child.  I am remembering the isolation.  The loneliness.  The feelings of rejection.  I am not alone now.  But I am grieving the years that I was.  I am reconnecting with that child.  Learning that it was not her fault.  But as I reconnect with her my sadness grows.  Because no child deserves to grow up feeling that way.  No child deserves to feel like there is nowhere they belong.  So today, I am grieving.  Grieving for the child who grew up believing she was all alone.

Suicidal Thoughts

Sometimes my suicidal thoughts are triggered by something and sometimes they come of their own volition.  In therapy I am frequently asked if I have been having suicidal thoughts.  How do I answer that?  Well yes, I have been, but that is not something out of the ordinary.  That is not something new.  I think I get suicidal thoughts in part because of how my brain works, in part because of the trauma I have been through, and in part because of how deeply sensitive I am.  I am beginning to realize that suicidal thoughts may be something that are a part of me for the rest of my life.  Now if you had told me that a week ago I would have been angry, scared, and frustrated that someone could say such a thing.  I have been told that before actually and I have been angry, scared, and frustrated that someone said such a thing.  I thought the people who told me that (my treatment team) didn’t believe in me and my ability to recover.  But I had a conversation this morning that opened my eyes to some things.  I was asked (again) in a session if I have been having suicidal thoughts recently.  I stopped to think about it.  Yes, the last few days they have been more intense.  But then I realized that last week they weren’t as bad.  Last week they were more like whispers.  I was in a better mood and when the suicidal thoughts came I didn’t give them as much attention because I could see clearly that I didn’t want to die.  They came, I heard them, and then they flittered away because they didn’t seem like a good idea to me.  But when I am not in a good mood, when I wake up feeling depressed, that’s when they gain their power.  Because then they do seem like a good idea.  Then they align with the emotions I am already feeling.  And I cannot get them to flitter off.  I actually start thinking about them more and more.  Trying to get them to go away and at the same time finding myself drawn to them.  This is when the spiral happens.  The more I think about them the deeper my depression gets.  The deeper my depression gets the more I think about them.  Which comes first?

My awareness into this is growing.  I am beginning to understand my suicidal thoughts more and more.  I am beginning to see the connections.  The roots.  The next time I wake up feeling depressed am I going to able to dismiss every suicidal thought that comes?  No, probably not.  But my awareness into it is growing.  My awareness into why it is happening is growing.  Even if it is only a faint awareness that gets drown out by the darkness, it is still there.  And it will grow.  Because when the darkness passes, when depression fades, I gain insight again.  My rational thinking comes back.  Every single time it comes back.  Every single time I see more and more.  Every single time I grow.

Will I have suicidal thoughts for the rest of my life?  Maybe.  Does this scare me?  Yes.  But I am learning how to cope with them.  I am learning how to keep them from taking over.  I am learning to enjoy life even with them in the background.  Maybe over time they will fade further and further into the background.  Maybe they won’t flare up as much.  Maybe they will become just whispers.  Whatever the case, I know that it is worth it to keep going.  I know that I will be glad I stayed alive.  When the darkness passes I am always glad that I am still alive.

The Darkness Lies to Me

Yesterday was a hard day.  A day of doubting.  A day of fear.  A day of hopelessness.  It scares me when these days come.  They seem out of the blue and I haven’t figured out a pattern to them yet.  A way to predict when they will come.  I can spend a couple days being glad I am alive and then I will wake up one morning and feel like none of it is worth it.  I will wake up and question if I should keep going.  I will feel the pull of darkness.  I felt the pull of darkness yesterday.  And the day before that too.  When these days come the smallest tasks make me question if I want to be alive.  I can feel myself losing my ability to think rationally and my thoughts become clouded.  Hazy.  Like I have lost connection with a part of myself and something else has taken over.  Something that wants me to give up.  Something that does not want me to be alive.  I become angry at myself when this happens because it feels like it is my fault.  I become scared.  And one day can lead into 2, and then 3, and on and on if I do not pull myself out of it.

I am afraid to talk about these types of days.  Afraid that I will be invalidated and not taken seriously.  I need to be taken seriously.  I need to be loved.  Being loved is one of the things that counter-acts the darkness.  It makes me feel like I am worth it.  Like I matter.  Like it is worth it to keep going.  It makes me feel like I am not alone.  That is one of the most important things for me – feeling supported, not alone, cared for.  Those are the things that give me the resolve to keep fighting.  Those are the things that give me hope.

The last two days were hard for me.  The darkness was pulling on me.  Calling me.  Wanting me to succumb to it.  It’s morning now.  7:30am.  What will today be like?  Will I feel more hopeful?  Less dark?  Less burdened?  Or will the darkness be calling to me again?  Whispering in my ear?  Filling my mind with thoughts that I do not want?  It feels like an outside force that takes over.  Drowning out the light.  Will it drown out my light today?

No, I will not let it.  I deserve to live.  I deserve to be alive.  I am a person.  A human.  I am worth it.  No person deserves to die.  No human is that bad that they deserve to be removed from this planet.  No.  The darkness lies to me.  It tells me things that aren’t true.  Paints my future as dark and gloomy, but it is wrong.  My future is not dark and gloomy.  I have potential.  There is hope.  There is love.  So no, I will not give up.  I will keep fighting.  Even if today is filled with darkness, I will keep fighting.  Because I am worth it.  And the darkness will pass.  I will wake up again and be glad I am alive.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe later today.  Maybe next week.  I will wake up again and be glad I am alive.

I wrote a book…Now what?

Why is it that I had the vulnerable poems I wrote published? I am afraid that people have expectations for me now. Afraid that I am supposed to be the ‘role model’. The girl who struggled with a lot of demons, walked through a lot of darkness, and is now on the other side. That is not who I am. I do not want the pressure to be the girl who has it all together now. I do not have it all together. I still slip. I fall. I spiral into the darkness at times. So why this blog? Why put myself out there like I am? I want to help people. I want others to know they are not alone. That they are not the only ones struggling with anxiety, depression, addiction, darkness. I want to create a space where we can talk about these things. Where we can connect with each other. There is a lot of stigma about mental illness. A lot of ignorance. A lot of people struggling in silence. I know from experience.

I do not want to be the role model. The one who has it all together. I have put that pressure on myself for too long. I have pretended for too long. If I receive an email or a message from someone struggling with suicidal thoughts I would love to be able to encourage them by saying that I am on the other side, that I do not struggle with that any more, that it’s possible for them to get there too. If I get a message from someone telling me that they are trapped in the cycle of self-harm I would love to encourage them by saying that I have gotten out of that cycle and that they can too. But that is not the truth. The truth is that I still get suicidal thoughts at times. The truth is that at times my brain desperately craves the release that comes from self-harming and that at times I give in. I cannot encourage people by saying that I have overcome all of my demons. But I can encourage them by saying that they are not alone. That I understand. That others understand. I can encourage them by saying that I am fighting with everything I have to overcome these demons. That I am fighting for my health, my freedom, healing. That I am fighting for connection, authenticity, vulnerability. That I am taking the risk to open up about these things. I will encourage them by saying this risk is worth it. That I know from experience. That it’s worth it to keep fighting. I know that from experience too. I can share what I have learned along the way. That community has saved my life. That being known in my pain and being loved has saved my life. That it is possible to be known and loved. That we are worth it.

I want to create a safe place through this blog. A community. Maybe it’s unrealistic. Maybe it’s something that could never happen. But I am going to take the risk to find out. I am going to open up about my pain, my struggles, my demons. And I am going to invite those who are willing to take the risk along with me.