Sometimes my suicidal thoughts are triggered by something and sometimes they come of their own volition.  In therapy I am frequently asked if I have been having suicidal thoughts.  How do I answer that?  Well yes, I have been, but that is not something out of the ordinary.  That is not something new.  I think I get suicidal thoughts in part because of how my brain works, in part because of the trauma I have been through, and in part because of how deeply sensitive I am.  I am beginning to realize that suicidal thoughts may be something that are a part of me for the rest of my life.  Now if you had told me that a week ago I would have been angry, scared, and frustrated that someone could say such a thing.  I have been told that before actually and I have been angry, scared, and frustrated that someone said such a thing.  I thought the people who told me that (my treatment team) didn’t believe in me and my ability to recover.  But I had a conversation this morning that opened my eyes to some things.  I was asked (again) in a session if I have been having suicidal thoughts recently.  I stopped to think about it.  Yes, the last few days they have been more intense.  But then I realized that last week they weren’t as bad.  Last week they were more like whispers.  I was in a better mood and when the suicidal thoughts came I didn’t give them as much attention because I could see clearly that I didn’t want to die.  They came, I heard them, and then they flittered away because they didn’t seem like a good idea to me.  But when I am not in a good mood, when I wake up feeling depressed, that’s when they gain their power.  Because then they do seem like a good idea.  Then they align with the emotions I am already feeling.  And I cannot get them to flitter off.  I actually start thinking about them more and more.  Trying to get them to go away and at the same time finding myself drawn to them.  This is when the spiral happens.  The more I think about them the deeper my depression gets.  The deeper my depression gets the more I think about them.  Which comes first?

My awareness into this is growing.  I am beginning to understand my suicidal thoughts more and more.  I am beginning to see the connections.  The roots.  The next time I wake up feeling depressed am I going to able to dismiss every suicidal thought that comes?  No, probably not.  But my awareness into it is growing.  My awareness into why it is happening is growing.  Even if it is only a faint awareness that gets drown out by the darkness, it is still there.  And it will grow.  Because when the darkness passes, when depression fades, I gain insight again.  My rational thinking comes back.  Every single time it comes back.  Every single time I see more and more.  Every single time I grow.

Will I have suicidal thoughts for the rest of my life?  Maybe.  Does this scare me?  Yes.  But I am learning how to cope with them.  I am learning how to keep them from taking over.  I am learning to enjoy life even with them in the background.  Maybe over time they will fade further and further into the background.  Maybe they won’t flare up as much.  Maybe they will become just whispers.  Whatever the case, I know that it is worth it to keep going.  I know that I will be glad I stayed alive.  When the darkness passes I am always glad that I am still alive.