I’ve been realizing something. I talk a lot about wishing I could feel the love that people have towards me. I talk a lot about the sadness I’ve been feeling recently and how I am trying to allow myself to feel it. Emotions are new to me. They are something I disconnected from a very long time ago. And as I am allowing them to come up they are very uncomfortable. They are foreign to me. Unfamiliar. Scary. It is hard to allow myself to feel them without running. Hard to acknowledge that they are there. I am afraid that if I let myself feel them I will become lost in them. I am afraid they will take over my life. It has been a risk trying to let myself feel again. Anger is still terrifying to me but sadness, sadness I am trying to allow myself to feel. Not all at once but in little moments here and there.
This morning I was feeling very frustrated with myself for doubting my friends’ love for me again. There is evidence for it everywhere and still I question if it’s real. But then I started thinking. I want to FEEL loved. How will I ever feel it if I continue to stay disconnected from my emotions? I think feeling loved scares me more than feeling sad and even more than feeling angry. It is so unfamiliar to me. But just like I am starting to allow myself to feel sad in certain moments, I want to try to start allowing myself to feel loved. Not all at once. But maybe in little moments here and there. Maybe, over time, I’ll start to become more comfortable with it. Maybe I will start to believe that the love around me is real. Authentic. So I will start slowly. A little bit at a time. Trying to allow myself to feel the love that is around me.