I get so angry at myself sometimes.  I get angry that I have a mental illness.  I get angry that I have a disease in my mind.  I get angry that it is invisible and people can’t see it.  That most people don’t understand it.  I get angry that I have had to suffer like I have.  That I have had therapists that have made the problem worse.  That I have been on medication that has made the problem worse.  I am angry that I have had people try to ‘cast demons out of me’, telling me it was only a spiritual problem.  I am angry that I have been mistreated and misunderstood.

Mental illness is so hard.  “Meditate,” they say.  “Get out of the house.”  “Listen to music.”  “Journal.”  “Find alternative coping skills.”  “You will feel better.”  These things might help, yes.  They do help actually.  But they are not a remedy.  They do not shut off my racing mind.  My fear.  My self-destructive thoughts.  They do not cure my mental illness.  I still have to fight.  Very hard.  I have to fight to stay connected to myself.  To listen to my healthy voice.  To not give in to the disordered part of mind that wants me to hurt myself.  I do not want to hurt myself.  I know this.  But thoughts flow from my dysfunctional mind telling me that I do.  Telling me that I will feel better if I don’t eat or if I binge and purge or if I self-harm.  Thoughts that tell me it would be better if I wasn’t alive.  That the future is hopeless.  That everyone is going to leave.  That I should give up now.  These are not my thoughts.  These thoughts are from my mental illness.  The diseased part of my mind.  I do not want these thoughts.  I know I do not want to hurt myself.  I know that it is good to eat and that I do not deserve to be harmed.  But I cannot stop these thoughts from flowing through my mind.  I cannot control them.  “Ignore them,” they say.  “Don’t listen to them.”  “They will pass.”  “They will fade.”  “They will lose their power.”  This is true, yes.  When I am able to ignore these distorted thoughts they do pass and they do fade.  But then I have moments where I do not ignore them.  Where they grab my attention.  Where I wonder if what my disordered mind is telling me might be true.  Where I believe that what it is telling me is true.  I have moments where I get lost in these thoughts.  Lost in these lies.  Where I feel like I cannot get out.  I can hear the faint whisper of my healthy voice showing me the way out but I often am unable to follow it.

Mental illness is so hard.  The battle that goes on in my brain.  Life and death.  Darkness and light.  Freedom and captivity.  This is the battle I am in.  This is the battle many of us are in.  The invisible battle.  Do I want to give up?  Yes, often.  Am I going to give up?  No.  No, I will not give up.  I will keep fighting.  Keep trying to hold onto the truth, even when I am knocked out by the darkness.  I will keep getting back up.  Putting one foot in front of the other.  Because I am worth it.  My life is worth it.  I am learning.  I am growing.  And I will not give up.