Sometimes I get this really desperate feeling.  I get this really desperate feeling to be loved.  I get this feeling like I am suffocating.  Like I am not getting the thing that I need to survive.  I need to be loved.  I need to feel loved.  Sometimes, I get so insecure that I need another person to tell me that I’m ok.  I need another person to tell me I am worth it.  To tell me they are not going to give up on me.  But no matter how often they tell me these things, I still cannot believe them.  It’s like their words fall on deaf ears.  I hear them, but I do not comprehend them.  I do not ingest them.  I do not let them sink in.  Sometimes, I get this really desperate feeling to be loved.  This really desperate feeling to feel loved.  But no matter how loved I am, I do not believe it and I am left with this desperate feeling that I have had since I was a child.  Am I the one who can shift this?  Or is it something outside my control?  Will it always be this way?  Or over time will it start to change?

When I was younger I used to have these moments where I would become filled with panic.  More than panic, it was like terror really.  Terror would wash over me and I would become paralyzed.  Frozen.  Dread would fill me.  A sinking foreboding feeling.  These were the most terrifying moments of my childhood.  They would hit me suddenly, without a moment’s notice.  And they were connected to the belief that I was completely alone and always would be.  I am not alone anymore.  I have people all around me who love me and care about me.  I do not have these moments of terror as often anymore.  But I cannot shift the belief that no one loves me.  I cannot shift the belief that I am alone.  These beliefs have been ingrained in me.  I have believed them for so long.  Formed my identity around them.

So sometimes, I get this really desperate feeling.  This desperate feeling to be loved.  Sometimes I feel like I will die without it.  The child inside me cries for it.  How do I tell her she is loved now?  How do I convince her that she is not alone?  How do I tell her those lonely, painful, childhood years are over?  Sometimes I get his desperate feeling.  I felt it today.  I want to be loved.  I need to be loved.  How do I convince myself I already am?