Living a Story

"All the darkness in the world cannot drown out the light of a single match."

Walls

I have been angry and frustrated recently with the walls people have around their hearts.  With the walls I have around my heart.  I have been frustrated with how difficult it is to put down these walls.  I have been frustrated that the people I long to be close to have not put down their walls.  But I think I understand.  I understand that as innocent children we had to construct these walls to survive.  I understand that when we were at the mercy of others, when we could not control our circumstances or how we were treated or who we were around, we had to do something to survive.  And so we built walls around our beautifully sensitive hearts.  To protect us from the pain we didn’t know how to cope with.  To protect us from the confusion and sense of powerlessness.  Our walls helped us survive.

More than anything, I long to connect with people.  I long to share my heart and listen to theirs.  I long to be open.  To trust.  To be known.  And I get so angry at myself when I can’t do these things.  I get so angry at myself when I shut down or throw my walls up or hide.  If I long to share my heart with people, why can’t I sometimes?  Why do I find myself fighting against myself?  It’s because it takes time to realize I am safe now.  It takes time to realize that not everyone wants to hurt me.  It takes time to realize that some people love me and some people will stay.  It takes time to put my walls down.  These walls that helped me survive.  These walls that protected my heart when there was unimaginable pain and tragedy going on around me.  These walls helped me survive.  Over time I will learn how to put them down.  Over time I will learn how to let people in.  I already am.  I am learning to trust.  I am learning how to open up.  It is taking time, yes.  But I am learning.  I am growing.  I am learning that some people want to be let in.  I am learning that some people are safe.  I am learning that I am worth being known.  You are worth being known.  I am learning that to heal, we must put our walls down.  We must take that risk.  And I am learning that the risk is worth it.  I am learning that, as I open my heart, I am feeling the pain and grief I avoided as a child but that I am also beginning to feel whole.  I am beginning to feel connected.  I am beginning to feel loved.  So I will give myself grace.  And I will continue to try to put my walls down.  And it will take time.  And it will be hard.  But I believe that, in the end, it will be worth it.

I want to FEEL Loved

I’ve been realizing something.  I talk a lot about wishing I could feel the love that people have towards me.  I talk a lot about the sadness I’ve been feeling recently and how I am trying to allow myself to feel it.  Emotions are new to me.  They are something I disconnected from a very long time ago.  And as I am allowing them to come up they are very uncomfortable.  They are foreign to me.  Unfamiliar.  Scary.  It is hard to allow myself to feel them without running.  Hard to acknowledge that they are there.  I am afraid that if I let myself feel them I will become lost in them.  I am afraid they will take over my life.  It has been a risk trying to let myself feel again.  Anger is still terrifying to me but sadness, sadness I am trying to allow myself to feel.  Not all at once but in little moments here and there.

This morning I was feeling very frustrated with myself for doubting my friends’ love for me again.  There is evidence for it everywhere and still I question if it’s real.  But then I started thinking.  I want to FEEL loved.  How will I ever feel it if I continue to stay disconnected from my emotions?  I think feeling loved scares me more than feeling sad and even more than feeling angry.  It is so unfamiliar to me.  But just like I am starting to allow myself to feel sad in certain moments, I want to try to start allowing myself to feel loved.  Not all at once.  But maybe in little moments here and there.  Maybe, over time, I’ll start to become more comfortable with it.  Maybe I will start to believe that the love around me is real.  Authentic.  So I will start slowly.  A little bit at a time.  Trying to allow myself to feel the love that is around me.