Living a Story

"All the darkness in the world cannot drown out the light of a single match."

My Vices

Two of my vices are my eating disorder and self-harm.  Two addictions.  Two things that could threaten my life.  I have been battling these things for a very long time.  Been to treatment more than once.  Have fought to overcome them with all the strength I have.

Have I overcome them?  I have definitely made a lot of progress.  I have grown and I have come to understand what they mean and why I struggle with them.  I have come to see their roots, why they developed, and what they have been trying to cover up.  I have learned how to let them go, why I need to let them go.  I am beginning to understand that life is so much fuller and richer without them.  I am beginning to understand that I will thrive without them.  That I can achieve my dreams, find success and connection, feel fulfilled.  I know all of these things.  I have let go of a lot of my maladaptive coping skills.  But there are a couple that I am holding onto.  There are a couple I am keeping in my back pocket to pull out if I need to.

Self-harm, my eating disorder, my walls and disconnection from myself – all of these things helped me survive when I was younger.  My core beliefs that I am bad and unlovable helped me to survive as well.  They helped me make sense of the world.  Explained why certain things happened.  Made me feel in control.  Made me feel like I understood what was happening.  I now call these things my maladaptive coping skills.  For though they helped me then, they are blocking the very things I long for now.  How did self-harm help me survive, you might ask?  How did my eating disorder help me survive?  Both of these things made me feel numb.  They made me feel numb when I was experiencing such an overwhelming amount of emotions, confusion, and pain.  Emotions and pain that I did not know what to do with as a child.  Emotions and pain that I had no other way to cope with.  So as a child, I created these maladaptive coping skills to help get me through.  I built my walls and disconnected from myself.  Disconnected from the pain.  Disconnected from my heart.

I am learning to reconnect now.  I am learning how to cope with my pain and feelings in healthy ways.  I am learning that it is ok to have emotions and to feel pain.  I am learning that this is what makes me human.  But I am also discovering that there is a part of me that doesn’t want to let go of my maladaptive coping mechanisms.  There is a part of me that is afraid to.  Afraid that I won’t survive without them.  Afraid of who I will become.  Of what could happen.  I long to be whole and healthy.  I long to let people in and be fully known.  I long to take my walls down.  I am learning to take my walls down.  I am learning to let go of my maladaptive coping mechanisms.  I can feel myself becoming more free.  But there is a part of me that won’t let go of the last little bit of them.  There is a part of me that is still holding on to them.  Afraid to let go completely.  There is a part of me that wants to hold them close.  Rationalizing that it’s ok to keep these last small ones because I have let go of so many.  Fear is causing me to want to keep them close.  Fear of who I am becoming.  Fear of who I will be without them.  Fear of the progress I could make.  This is where I am right now.  Knowing that I need to fully let go of these old coping mechanisms.  Knowing that I need to take them off the table and no longer allow them to be an option.  But afraid to.  This is where I am right now.

Self-Harm

Sometimes I really want to self-harm.  Sometimes it seems like it will make everything better.  Make the pain go away.  Will it make everything better?  No.  Will it make the pain go away?  Temporarily, yes.  But then it will come back even stronger.  Then it will come back with an even more powerful grip.  Sometimes though, I just really want to do it.  I forget the long-term effects of it.  I forget that once I start I will get pulled into the cycle again.  That I will want to do it more and more.  That it will be harder and harder to stop.  Sometimes I think I can do it just once and be ok.  That I can do it just once and stop.  But that is not reality.  That is not what happens.  It is never just once.  Sometimes I want to do it just to make the urge go away, so I can stop thinking about it.  I want to do it so I don’t want to do it anymore.  But that’s not reality either.  Once I start, the urges get stronger and I want to do it more and more.  Sometimes I crave the release.  The way the numbness washes over me and nothing else matters anymore.  I crave the way it helps me to forget.  To forget everything.  I crave the ‘break’ it gives me from life.  The sweet relief.  But I forget how terrible it is when I finally do come back to reality.  I forget how much harder it makes things after the ‘break’.  I forget.  I think it’s because I want to forget.  I do not want to give myself a reason not to do it.  I want to convince myself that it will be ok this time.  It will be different this time.  That it won’t make things worse.  That it will actually help.  If I remember how bad it is afterwards I won’t be able to convince myself of these things.  So I allow myself to forget.  I tell myself that it’s ok to do it just once.  That it won’t cause any harm.  That it’s ok to ‘indulge’ in something that will help me feel better.  That I’ve worked really hard and it’s ok to ‘reward’ myself.  But one time turns into two which turns into three, four, and on and on.  Until I can manage to pull myself out of it.  And pulling myself out of it is so very hard.

Self-harm is an addiction.  I am an addict.  I hate that word.  It has such a negative connotation.  So much shame is associated with it.  But it also gives me some understanding of what I am dealing with.  Self-harm is not an innocent way of making myself feel better.  It is not a harmless coping tool.  It is not something I can do just once and be content with.  Self-harm is a dangerous addiction.  One that can get out of control very quickly.  It is one that must be taken seriously.  One that must be addressed.  One that we must not turn our heads from because of fear and misunderstanding.  One that must not be swept under the rug.  Self-harm is a dangerous addiction.  It is something that millions of people struggling with.  It is surrounded by ignorance, shame, silence, and stigma.  It is something we must start talking about.

So today, I am talking about it.  I am opening up about it.  I am saying that it is something I have struggled with for years.  It is something I have been fighting very hard to overcome.  Am I overcoming it?  Yes.  Has it gotten better?  Yes.  But I still have those days where it consumes my thoughts.  I still have those days where the pull to run to it is so strong.  It might take a while for the pull to stop.  It might take a while for my brain to recalibrate.  It might be something that always lingers in the background.  Something I have to watch out for so it does not take me off guard when those emotional moments spring up.  It is something I am working through and it is something I am talking about.  Because secrets gain power in silence.  Addictions grow stronger when they are kept hidden.

I am talking about it because I do not want to hide.  I am talking about it because I want to break the stigma.  I am talking about it because I know I am not alone.  I know there are millions of people struggling with the same things I am struggling with.  I hope that if there is anyone reading this who is struggling that you will start talking about it too.  Start breaking the silence.  Breaking the stigma.  Secrets gain power in silence.  Addictions grow stronger when hidden.  Let’s break the silence.  There are more of us out there than we know.