I am lovable.  I forget that sometimes.  I don’t feel lovable.  So how can it be true?  Am I worth loving?  Am I worth knowing? I struggle with self-hate.  Self-doubt.  I struggle with feeling like I am worth it.  I have believed for so long that I am not lovable and I am not worth it and it is very hard to change those beliefs.  I find that part of me actually resists changing those beliefs.  Part of me resists the truth.  The truth that I am loved.  That I am worth it.  That I am good.  I built my view of myself and the world around the lies that I am not lovable.  My entire belief system is constructed around this.  And now that it is being dismantled, now that I might be lovable, I am finding myself desperately searching for something familiar to hold on to.  If I truly am lovable then that changes everything.  That changes the way I see myself, other people, the world.  This is a good thing, I know, but I’m finding myself resisting it.  Because I am afraid of change.  I am afraid of my belief system being dismantled. I am afraid of who I will become.  What I could accomplish.  I could be successful.  I could achieve my dreams.  I could get married and have kids.  I could live a long, fulfilling life.  None of these things have seemed possible before.  When I used to think about the future it was always filled with darkness, hopelessness, and death.  Now when I think about the future it is filled with possibilities, hope.  These are good things, I know.  But the speed at which everything is changing is very overwhelming.  So I am finding myself desperately looking for something familiar to hold on to.  Something that will slow the process down.  Something that will help me feel like I have some control over all the change.  These familiar things are not good for me.  No, they are the opposite of what I really want.  But I have found myself turning back to them recently.  Trying to slow the process down.  Trying to feel in control.  What’s happening is that I’m really just feeling like shit.  Flirting with the things that once threatened my life in an attempt to feel in control.  I know how resist them.  I know how to get back on the path.  But I am afraid of where I am heading.  I am afraid of the success.