Am I worth the thousands of dollars that have been spent for my recovery?  Thousands of dollars on therapy, psychiatry, treatment.  Thousands of dollars on medicine and appointments.  Am I worth it?  Is my recovery worth it?  I feel this burden.  This financial burden.  I feel guilty.  I feel responsible.  I feel like it is my fault.  I feel like if I had just tried harder all this money would not have needed to be spent.  I feel weak.  I feel angry.  I do not feel like I am worth thousands and thousands of dollars.  What makes it harder is that the money spent was not all mine.  Much of it was from family members who knew that I could not pay it on my own.  And I feel so guilty.  I feel like I have stolen their money.  Wasted it.  Squandered it.  If I had just been strong enough to recover on my own then this money would not have needed to be spent.  Thousands and thousands of dollars.  The things that this money could have gone towards.  Vacation, fun, adventure.  Instead of spending this hard earned money on pleasurable things, it was spent on me. The weak one.  The one who couldn’t get her shit together.  The one who needed help.  I feel like I don’t deserve this help.

I feel all this pressure to do well now.  Is the money going somewhere?  Is it being useful?  Is it helping?  Well yes, if it wasn’t for the thousands of dollars that allowed me to go to therapy and treatment, I probably wouldn’t be alive right now.  So yes, the money is helping.  But what if I relapse?  What if I slip?  What if I slide backwards?  Will I have wasted this money then?  Would I have made none of this worth it?  Will I make them angry?  I feel like I must continue to do well so the ones who have helped me pay for therapy and treatment are happy with where their money has gone.  I feel the pressure not to mess up.  Not to waste what they have given me.

Is it my fault I struggle with mental illness?  Is it my fault I need help?  Is it my fault I needed therapy and treatment and that I might continue to for a while?  No.  Mental illness is nobody’s fault.  It is a disease just like cancer or diabetes and ‘trying harder’ will not make it miraculously disappear just like ‘trying harder’ does not make cancer or diabetes disappear.  No, it takes time.  It takes medicine and treatment just like any other disease.  It takes money to pay for this medicine and treatment just like any other disease.  I think the invisibility of mental illness often makes people forget that it is a disease.  It often causes me to forget.  I often blame myself for having a mental illness.  I blame myself for struggling.  But when someone is born with another life threatening diseases is it their fault?

I feel the financial burden of my recovery.  I hate it.  I wish it wasn’t there.  I wish money hadn’t needed to be spent on it or on me.  But the truth is, I was born with a disease.  A disease in my mind.  And it takes money and it takes treatment and it takes help to recover from it.  I am getting that help.  I am getting that support.  I am still alive because of it.  Others may not understand.  In fact, most people do not realize what goes in to the process of recovering from a mental illness.  But I do.  And I know that it is worth it.  I know that the money spent has been worth it.  I am getting my life back.  I am coming alive.  And it is worth it.  You cannot place a price tag on someone’s life.  Not ever.  It doesn’t matter who the person is or how much money it is.  You cannot place a price tag on someone’s life.  Do I hate that this money has been spent on me?  Yes.  But I am getting my life back.  And you cannot place a price tag on that.